I was off today cos of the queens birthday or something. Hovered the house from top to bottom then had the 'bright' idea of sun bathing. I now have limbs comparable in color to a lobsters and the twice the amout of freckles I had when I woke up this morning.
My sister in law is supposed to have had her scan today, I hope everything went ok.
Well thats my riviting day, I now have slope around my room in good old fashioned artist block style trying to come up with a story line for citrus house - quickly! to the angel mobile! AWAY!

Ugh...I'm not a healthy bunny today. :S

We have our computer back, we've got windows xp now and these stupid messgaes keep popping up. Grr.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am without a computer again. My mother kidnapped it and took it for a man to be fixed.

Anyway, I've had a chance to calm down and read 'the comment' again and it doens't seem as bad as when I first read it. I think I just saw red the first time and then that was it.

I'm still annoyed but I've had a chane to think. And yeah, I'm a shit. I've done exactly what I said I'd never do to someone. Its happened to me when I was in school and then again when I went to work. I sometimes wonder whether theres someone sitting up there with a giant magnifying glass trying to burn a hole in my head, or whether I'm wearing a big 'Use me' sign on my back.

Something I learned though is that no matter how much someone trys they can't make you change your opinion about yourself.
They can make you feel better about a decision you've made, an action you've taken or something you said but there is nothing on this earth that stop that little voice inside your head from ruling how you feel. We are all at the mercy of how we feel when we first wake up in the morning, how other people interact with us and whatever fate or God of which ever religeon decides what should happen to us today.

I'm not asking for anyone to agree with me, considering most of my life decisions I'm probably wrong about this too. I haven't written this to offend anyone, just maybe to explain why I've been the way I've been. But this is how I feel right now and I don't know if I'll ever feel 'normal' again. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever have felt normal. Has anyone? All I know is no matter what God does for me I'll ALWAYS find something to moan about. I can only apologise for this.

Sorry for moaning everyone. ;_;

I just did I HUGE journal entry and then it all got deleted! I can't be arsed re-writing it all so heres the jist of what it said;

Isuck/Guilt/AlmostApologeticbutnotquite/readinganewbookcalledHokkaidoBlues/Internetworking/Mouseisn't/Takingforevertotabtostuff/I'matabtabbingaround/Hettisburg/Boink.

People who can't leave the past where it is.
They're lives are obviously so perfect in EVERY single way they have to pick on other peoples. And I REALLY don't need it right now (or anytime for that matter!) becuase they haven't got a fucking clue what I'm about or whats going on with me right now. Maybe if they'd had the decency to keep in contact with me they would. I try keeping in contact with them but they clearly don't want to know me and I'm not going to go as far as stealing private information from the human resource section from they're old work place to contact them.
I update on live journal but I don't write everything here. Infact some on my entries have the 'private' setting on them, so they wouldn't have a clue anyway. The good things is I have real FREINDS who aren't self-righteous or take sides.

So seeing as I only need these FRIENDS that's what the comments setting will be from now on.

Andy (the big whiney ho) complained to his boss about me, who in turn complained at my boss, who then complained to me! Apparently I was 'Off hand' with him yesterday. Well if he didn't act like such a fucking retard I wouldn't have to be 'off hand' with him! He yelled at Laura this morning for something *I've* done to him (Yes I personally went out to ruin his life yesterday)and said he's not doing any more work for our team any more after 'the stunt we pulled yesterday'. Excuse me...(WTF?!?!?) I never spoke to him all day, which made working with him uncomfortable. Shunned his boss too. (the same guy who used to be my boss, the same guy who groped my ass last christmas) I nearly punched the little twat. I swear! I've never felt so mad at some one b4. So andy and me are no longer drinking buddies an he shall be now be knowen as Andy bastardy bastardy bastrd.
GGRRRGH! Its so fucking annoying cos It'd be so easy to yell at him and get him fired and and make him cry but I can't cos I'll probably get sacked in the process too for being 'off hand' with him. People, there is an 11th commandment now, 'thou shalt not be off hand' thanx to Andy, queen of the world.

Moron.

I left work early and saw cathy on the way home, she asked me to go see Drusilla with her at worlds apart but I declined in favour of curling up on the couch with something alcohol flavoured. Which I'm gonna do right now. I felt kind of bad saying no but I just couldn't haul my ass back to town.

Oh and andy, (if your reading this) y'know how you said pot noodles and pepsi are the most fattening things you can eat? Well guess what I had for tea. Go on, guess!

I hate that twat.

(funny thing is, I went past a church this morning which had the message : 'Temper will get you into trouble; pride will keep you there' outside it and thought 'Gee, that doens't apply to me' and went on my merry way through the land of denial)

My friend Margaret has just email me, I haven't heard from her in ages but shes been like banned from the internet! Her family went online and snooped on her live journal and her friends live journals and now shes not allowed to have a computer! They've also stopped her from going the college she wants so they can keep and eye on her! I can't beleive it! Poor marg! Its not like she did anything terrible either, she complained about her family a little, and they've just been EXTREMELY over sensitive about it, but come on? Who doesn't complain about their familys??? Its part of growing up. Plus shes like 18, not like some kid or something! Its not fair, I feel so bad for her...

I have the next four or so days planned.
Tonight - Draw the *New* citrushouse comics (or at least make a start)
Friday - Play the sims all night...I am not obsessed...that fact that some of them look like Isamu, Akira and Slate is totally beside the point...*shifty eyes*
Saturday - Go clothes shopping
Sunday - Might go the LoTR trilogy with my sister..if I can finding nothing better to do with 12 hours of my time. (just kidding claire, you kinow I love you...right?)
Monday - vegetate on the couch in true bank holiday style

And for my life plan:
Keep drawing comics untill some artist trips over one them looks at it and makes a little impressed 'hmm' noise, then he hires me as his assistant, I surpass him in skill and eventually create my own comic...then there'll be some stuff, then I'll die wealthy.
My back up plan if that doesn't work is to eat crisps untill I'm declared clincally obese and can claim incapacity benefits and get a council house.

*re-reads entry* yeah that'll do!

I had such a shitty day. I didn't realise how shitty it was till I got home and thought about it, and it hit me 'wow, today was really really SHITTY!' Everything that could go wrong did. *bash bash bash bash*
And I've re-named GIHACO to weeble. I saw him this morning when he pretended not to see me and he's got this sort of ...well...weeble goin when he walks. *snicker* ponce!

Here's what happened today:
1:Daves tooth fell out.
2:Dave says GIHACO gave him a lift home last week and they talked about religeon for a whole HOUR. (GAG!) I think Dave thinks he's 'pulled' him and likes to rub it in.
3:Dave then tells me that GIHACO is looking for a promotion and might be leaving soon. I didn't know wether to smile of throw myself off the building.

ohmygodoncehesgonethentherewillbenomaninmylife,notthathesinmylifeatallnowbutatleastIhavehimtolustoverandsoonIwon'tevenhavethatIMSOPATHETICI'MGONNADIEAVIRGINANDBEEATENBYALSTATIONSATTHEGRANDEAGEOF35!!!

Breath in...




breath out...

I will deal with this...I will...Things could be worse, I could be dead...on no, that'd be the better option! Silly me...

I dreamt that I was alex from down town last night and that three fat girls tried to gang rape me.

Hmmm, Kerrang has some proper songs on it for a change...
*gasp* Downtown is on tonite!

I managed to look like a complete man today. Seriously! All I needed was the penis and the five o'clock shadow and I'd have been joining the league of extremely manly gentlemen! I need a serious re-think of image, and it might involve a dress :S

Just got back from the dentists. The stupid b**** kept yanking at my teeth, at one point I felt like yelling 'YEH MIND? I KIND OF NEED THOSE!' I can still taste the blood in my mouth...mmmm...tangy...

Anyone ever seen 'six feet under?' Its a show about a family who run a funeral home and it goes a little something like this:
Theme song
death
sex
death
sex
sex
death
sex
sex
sex
death
death
Gay tantrum
sex
sex
sex
sex
sex
death
period pains (which might actually be classed as 'death')
sex
sex
sex
End credits

*bows*

Clare met Haldir! That is SO FUCKING COOL!! I'm not the biggest fan of LoTR but Haldir's sort of a running joke between my sister and her friend Sarah and I must admit I too enjoy(love) poking fun at him!

*sings* smuginating the countryside
smuginating the dwarves,
smuginating the men and THEIR LUST FOR POWER!!!!
*Ahem* sorry!

Right! I have picked up the self help book again and read up to the middle of chapter 3. And from this I have recognised that a lot of things need to change. (In fact, it shocked me at how much HAS to change)
Number 1. I must stop blaming everyone else for whats happening (and not happening) in my life. My life is mine. I am in control. I can handle it. I will stop blamig the mysterious 'they'. who are 'they' anyway? 'they' won't like my manga, 'they' won't let me have a promotion, 'they' won't let me get on in life and do what I want. well to Hell with 'they'! 'They' can go as kiss my ass!
Number 2. I will stop being a victim. I can't let everyone elses opinions run my life. I will stop letting all the negative thoughts rule me. I'm sick of people telling me how I'm feeling, what I want, what I'm doing. These people can't possibly know what I want and what I feel. Just cos they're older than me and have a little more life experince doesn't mean they can tell me what to do. They might have 'been there, done that, bought the t-shirt' So what? They've done it with their lives, NOT MINE!
Number 3. I have got to stop being afraid of people. All these negative thoughts come into my head and telling me what's going to happen or what someone is thinking because they don't know. They'll never know, only that person will know what they're thinking. I've gotta stop letting stupid experinces from 8 years ago interfere with the relationships I have with people now. These people who've hurt me are out of my life now. Those so called friends I thought I'd have forever are no longer here. AND I SAY GOOD-RIDENCE!! I've got real friends now who care about me! And I care about them!

This is going to take alot of time, it won't happen over night. But I've got to take control of my life and stop leaving up to my fears and negativity to say what happens to me.

...(to quote the little girl from polterguist) SHE'S BAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!

My sister's just turned sky one on......Angels' a puppet....I'm scared!

Thursday I went into town to meet people from work for a drink, got collered by dave, he told me the same story he told me the week b4 about the hospital. Went and had the crappiest bowl of chips ever while everyone else had fucking chicken baguettes and crap. After one glass of coke I left them to go back to work, decided I'd go blow what money I had on clothes. Felt fat after picking up one t-shirt so I didn't. Went to Waterstones and stared at the self help section for about half an hour. Bought a book on thinking postively. Went home, read one chapter then threw it to the back of my desk to be forgotten about.
Friday.Went out to town with ck and mel, got drunk, very drunk. Had fun, bitched about my sister in law. Got depressed on the way home, walked back in the rain. Mum tells me that my sister in law is pregnant. (OMG) Start crying with happiness, then feel like shit for slating her all day. went to bed.Had numerous dreams about GIHACO. bad dreams, where he ignores me like he usually does, but in this one he stole my monitor (???). Saturday, got up, played the sims all day, (called my sim Kitty Knutsford and made her a lesbian), got drunk again, now feel like shit.
I watched downtown, I like chaka (I think thats her name) I think she is infact me. Can't believe they cancelled it. I hate MTV for that, they get one or two cool animated shows and they cancel them for some unknown reason. (yeah I know someone out there is yelling, 'COS THEY'RE SHITE!')
Blink 182 seems to be on every channel tonight.
I will find meaning to my life one day. And yes I am aware that I sound like a whiney little cunt and that I'm not the only person in world to not like themselves and hate their lives, but that doesn't mean I'm not gonna write about it.


I'm gonna be an aunty!?!? (..)

That blink song 'I miss you' actually sounds quite nice untill Tom opens his mouth. Now I don't have anything against tom but that song just doesn't suit his voice.

(btw, I miss you)

My hand FUCKING hurts! I burnt in on soup before. I think it was a sign from some weight watching God or something.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ooook...I'm done!

I did my fortune last night, I asked 'what should I do?' and it came out saying 'Don't put your finger into too many pies'
Ok then, but which pies do I put my fingers in?
I need to get this 'date' storyline done.
And I need to re-do Citrus House
but I have lots of other ideas I want to look at and develop.
Cripes.

I managed to finish off most of the alcohol that was bought in for me at christmas. People have been going at me to finish it and now I have. But after all that moaning, I know they're going to go out and buy somemore...*sigh*

Watched the breakfast club with claire and sarah yesterday, and bruce almighty, but I fell asleep in the middle of it.

I better go look at some pies....

Nothing compares to you

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
since you took your love away
since you've been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whoever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
but nothing, nothing can take away these blues

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
like a bird without a song
nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
tell me baby, oh where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every boy I see
but they'd only remind me, remind me of you
So I went to the doctor guess what he told me,
guess what he told me
he said boy you better try to have fun
no matter what you do,
but he's a fool

'cause nothing compares
nothing compares to you

All the flowers that you planted momma
in the backyard
all died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
but I'm willing to give it another try

nothing compares, nothing compares to you
nothing compares